Life Lately

My plan this fall was to re-read through the Harry Potter books. I thought I would do this somewhat slowly, savoring-ly, interspersed with other books and library holds as they came up.

People, this is not how it went. It’s been a solid decade since I last read through the entire series and I forgot just how all-consuming they are. I could not devour the last three books fast enough. (Or I should say from the last third of book five on, because the bulk of book five with Harry yelling at everyone is the only one that gets even a little bit tedious.)

I finished book seven on Wednesday, spending the majority of the day doing just curled up in a corner of the couch, because I forgot just how un-putdownable they are.

At the risk of using the most cliche of cliches, these books are, simply put, magical.

I closed book seven, teary-eyed, the very last sentence sending me over the edge (All was well and maybe now I need a tattoo of those words?) and looked at the clock and was filled with nothing but a sense of what on earth do I do with my life now? I wandered around for the last half hour before the kids arrived home from school like a Hogwarts ghost, unable to do much of anything tangible. I felt an enormous sense of loss, almost grief, at arriving at the end. I’d been so immersed in the HP universe that real-life paled in comparison. I messaged a friend and told her I was absolutely ruined for all other books now. How can I read any other book now? It’s like after a breakup, but instead of a transitional boyfriend, I need a transitional book.

It’s not exactly that I want the books to keep going. No, I would rather end with this feeling than to be several more books in and think, well, that should have ended three books ago.

I’ve started listening to the Harry Potter and the Sacred Text podcast, am re-watching The Deathly Hallows Part I and Part II, and have even ventured into Harry Potter TikTok. I need these things to help bring me down from this adrenaline high, but mostly, to keep the magic alive. I’m strongly tempted to immediately read book seven again. (For the record, book four is my favorite, but seven is an incredibly close second.)

All that to say, I wrote on Instagram last weekend that I’ve basically turned into a Harry Potter fan account now. You’ve been warned. It was one of my most-liked posts ever so I know I’m not the only one with HP fever. Please come alongside me in my affliction and talk to me about all things to do with the wizarding world.

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Action Item

A friend of mine got in touch with me about collecting items for Afghan refugees who are being resettled here in Minnesota. They expect to be working with up to 500 families over the next several months and the need is enormous. If you’d like to donate, you can view their Amazon Wish List or send me a donation via Venmo @Shannon-Williams-291. I will put any money that comes in towards the highest priority needs.

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Around the Internet

• I don’t even know how to sum this one up. On being a woman and the ways we are trapped and running with wolves.

• What We Ask of Mothers

• I love the Ellyn Satter idea of mealtime “division of labor” between parents and kids, and also resonate strongly with this piece.

• “As schools have reopened this fall, and unemployment has run out, many of us are now trying to find a way back to work. And I wonder how many other mothers are feeling the same way I am: afraid to go back to jobs that left little room for anything else, but also afraid that if we don’t get back on track, we’ll never catch up.”

• In case you’ve noticed all the book blob covers going around, too.

• “I don't have a problem with kids working to earn things. But that's not how this ever shakes out. When opportunities are only frictionless for kids from families with money, those kids are the only ones who get opportunity. The kids who get the opportunity are overwhelmingly white and middle to upper-class. This isn't a problem of work. It's a problem of systemic inequality.”

• And here’s one of those Harry Potter TikToks that amused me more than it probably should. :)

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Eating

• I’ve been making these pumpkin cream cheese muffins as mini-muffins and YUM. I get three-dozen+ from this recipe when I make them as minis.

• I mean, this newsletter just made me want to eat buckets of popcorn. I’ve been big into making my own kettle corn but this made me want to up my savory seasonings game. For kettle corn: heat 1/4 cup olive oil in a large, heavy-bottom pot. Add 1/2 cup popcorn kernels and somewhere between 1/4-1/2 cup sugar (depending on how sweet you want it). Shake the pot around, removing from heat when there are 2-3 seconds between pops. Pour in a bowl and sprinkle with sea salt. This makes enough for a family-sized serving; cut in 1/2 for 1-2 people.

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Fun Things

• This is an enormous fun thing, but we finally got a sectional from Joybird for our basement and I LOVE it. I’ve been eyeing Joybird pieces for literal years and couldn’t be happier. All the reviews were right: it’s comfortable and my new favorite thing in our whole entire house. (Pro tip: We paid far less than the current list price, so wait for a sale if you’re in the market for anything.)

• If a sofa isn’t in your needs or budget can I recommend to you this mug? I will be drinking out of it for the foreseeable future as my own private little protest against the fact that paid family leave has been completely removed from the domestic policy package.

• Caden and Brooklyn have been really into playing Rummikub lately. I remember Tyson and me having some epic matches before the kids came along. We might need to revive those again. Highly recommend. (Affiliate link.)

• Fall farms and pumpkin patches forever.

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It’s almost November and the colors have peaked, sweaters are in a near-daily rotation, and pumpkin and apple treats are still going strong. All is well.

Life Lately

The kids are all in school. I repeat, the kids are all in school. This is not a drill! 

I’m taking a break this fall, as much as I can. Having three kids in two years was no joke. I already felt like I needed a break: throw in a global pandemic for most of the past two years and I definitely need a break.

“Call it a sabbatical!” a friend told me. (You know who you are.) “Pastors get sabbaticals after seven or so years, and damn if mothering isn’t just as hard and holy of work.” 

So a sabbatical it is.

What I’ve discovered, almost three full weeks in, is that I’m not very good at sabbatical-ing.

The first week I was restless. I tackled a bunch of things around the house, from decluttering bedrooms to cleaning out the pantry. (But truly, I would not have been able to properly relax with the state the pantry was in.)

The second week I overscheduled myself. I had appointments or meetings every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. (Though part of that was unavoidable. So much of scheduling appointments is “We can either get you in next Wednesday or not until this random Tuesday in February” and so of course you take next Wednesday, no matter what else your week might hold.) I went from feeling like I had a pretty good handle on things to feeling I had nothing under control because I was hardly home.

Which brings me here, to week three. Really, I keep preaching to myself, give it at least a month to settle in. Life has been the opposite of a sabbatical for the past seven-plus years and it’s absurd to think I can turn it around in an instant.

Still, I find it hard to rest when there is still so much to be done. I’m ordering Halloween costumes and meeting writing deadlines and sending emails and trying to organize a pledge drive for church and concocting a meal plan each week and making up Christmas lists to get ahead of any 2021 supply-chain drama and that means I should go through the toys in the playroom before the influx of Christmas gifts and we basically finished our basement except I never did get around to finding sconces, and, and, and.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. For the past seven years, I’ve done all of the above plus or minus three or so kids around. But when the goal is to rest, it’s hard to sort out, to prioritize, to put it in front of the work. I’m trying. I’ve begun re-watching Downton Abbey in the afternoons before the kids get home from school. I’m reading some. I’ve been knitting a bit. 

I’m also entering this brave new world and trying to figure out what on earth “rest” even means anymore. I hope I get to the point where I really do slow down before figuring out what I want next in life. I hope I get to the point where I watch TV all day (a Ted Lasso re-watch, anyone?) and don’t feel guilty about it, because I’m still worthy and loved right where I’m at, even if I don’t check anything off my to-do list, even if I just sit around on a couch surrounded by snacks all day. That sounds amazing, but right now, it’s much easier for me to say than to actually do.

Stay tuned.
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Action Item

Listen, this isn’t my usual type of “take action” item, but might I suggest to all the parents living in areas where snow is imminent to check your stock of winter gear NOW. Last year I went through all the kids’ winter gear in September and felt like the smuggest of actual GENIUSES when we got a surprise snowstorm in mid-October and I was actually prepared. So: coats, boots, hats, mittens/gloves, snowpants. Multiples of the hats and gloves. Onward!

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Around the Internet

• We Found Rage in a Hopeless Place: “Whatever problems existed before the pandemic, they just seem to have been frozen in time and deepened, along with all the new iterations.”

• “‘How does she do it all?’ society muses while staring at the bedraggled mom-author clutching her book in one hand and her baby in the other. By having no work-life balance or boundaries. Losing sleep. Hiding in pantries. Getting increasingly angry by the lack of support. By nearly drowning.”

• “If the old ‘mommy wars’ pitted working mothers against the ‘stay-at-home’ kind, then the new mommy war should be mothers banding together against an indifferent government and the forces of capitalism that seek to economically marginalize all of us.”

• For any parent who feels like they need to consult local case rates, the vaccination status of everyone and their brother involved in a given activity, their horoscope, and the weather forecast before doing virtually anything.

• “And just like that, all three of my kids are finally in school at the same time. I have three glorious hours to myself—arguably, all I’ve wanted for the past year and a half. I should be a walking meme right now, twirling through the aisles of Target with an iced coffee in hand, perusing the clearance candles and admiring fake plants I do not intend to buy. Instead, I go home. I walk into my empty, quiet house. I take a seat at the kitchen table and burst into tears.”

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Eating

• These sausage and cheddar stuffed onions take a little bit of effort but spend most of their time in the oven and come out tasting like fall. I served them last weekend with cornbread and brussels sprouts.

• As far as I’m concerned, September is for baking with apples. My first foray into fall baking this year was this apple cake which pairs perfectly with an afternoon cup of tea. Or breakfast. Or the last thing you eat before bed. You get it.

• “These aren’t addicting,” she says, as she eats three more from the package before tucking it back in its hiding place in the pantry.

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Fun Things

• Nolan is playing soccer and while he’s never played before, he’s actually pretty good! It’s the first sport I’ve seen him truly embrace and, most importantly, all that running is REAL good for him.

• I haven’t worn it yet * shakes fist at 80+ degree weather * but this cardigan is soft, snuggly, and definitely going to make my fall cozier.

• I ordered these chairs for the kids to use around their art table. Inexpensive, stackable, and they might be white, but they wipe down easily with a Magic Eraser. If you’re already going the IKEA route, I’m also loving this pegboard.

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“I’m so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers” is the only possible way I can end this newsletter on the eve of the month filled with things that truly feel like fall. Here’s to finding our own sort of rest in the Octobers in front of us.

Life Lately

Yesterday, I sat at the beach while Caden played in the sand at the edge of the water. It was 80+ degrees out, warmer than they’d predicted, and my hair stuck to the back of my neck until I fished a hair tie out of my bag and pulled it into a ponytail. It’s still August, which signals summer to my brain, but also it’s September tomorrow, which screams nothing but fall. Time to transition. Again.

The kids start school next week and I feel all the normal excitement that goes along with a fresh school year—what always feels like more of a new year than January ever does. And also there’s the anxiety that’s become the norm around masking and local case counts and how long before one of my kids is in quarantine?

I’ve been in a flurry of ordering things because it seems like I’ve either been running out or needing all the things all at once. Clothes for kids who have outgrown everything from pants to socks to shoes. Refill tablets of hand soap and house cleaner. Boy brow and yes that is an affiliate link in case you’d like to help feed my addiction to the product that I would bring with me even to a deserted island. Three whole sets of school supplies. A fresh box of contacts. Laundry detergent. Parchment paper and tin foil and plastic wrap. A fresh bottle of elderberry gummies because besides masking, it’s the thing that feels like I’m doing something to help my kids stay healthy. Name labels for the aforementioned school supplies which have somehow been held up in customs for weeks and I am crossing my fingers they arrive before the first day of school. Tea and a new sweater because despite that 80-degree temperature, fall is coming, dammit, and I intend to be prepared.

Everything around me feels in or about in transition. Though thinking back to a year ago, things were largely the same. The start of school was pushed back a week but I was still buying up masks and elderberry and school supplies and Costco orders made up entirely of snacks. (Mental note: place Costco order.) We didn’t know exactly what the school year would bring and we largely still don’t have the answer to that question this year.

I don’t know what else to do except to continue keeping under control what I can, even if it’s just stocking the snack shelf in the pantry and baking first day of school treats and emailing the teachers to see who in their class needs school supplies. Remembering that this, too, is important work, even if it doesn’t always (ever?) feel like quite enough.

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Action Item

I’m not sure how you can feel anything but sick to your stomach after the way things unfolded in Afghanistan this month. TIME magazine has an excellent round-up of ways to support refugees and people still in Afghanistan: from organizations taking donations to contacting your representatives.

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Around the Internet

• Tom Daly knitting is one of my favorite things this summer and R. Eric Thomas is one of my favorite things on the internet, so put them together and it brings me an enormous amount of joy.

• “But I think the real problem is that life is still exhausting because the pandemic was and remains exhausting in so many invisible ways — and we still haven’t given ourselves space to even begin to recover. Instead, we’re just softly boiling over, emptying and evaporating whatever stores of energy and patience and grace remain.”

• We Could Have Changed the World (really the title says it all)

• For those of us who have or are about to send our kids back to school.

• “This is parenting these days, for us and too many people we know. Peak inconsistency. Complete incoherence. Just decision after decision based on a little bit of science, a little bit of outdated guidance, and a little bit of how much time or energy we have to think it through.”

• Did I go down the rabbit hole of ‘Bama Rush in an attempt to understand why all of America was suddenly invested? Yes I did. And then this deep-dive on Greek fashion.

• This feels like it sums up 2021.

• So does this.

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Eating

• Have I told you to make falafel before? Because you should definitely make falafel. And then serve it with pita bread and roasted veggie (team bell peppers over here) and kalamata olives and a healthy scoop of caramelized onion hummus.

• This mushroom pasta stir-fry is delicious. Unfortunately, I can almost never seem to find broccolini around here so I subbed regular broccoli and it was fine (but if you can get your hands on it actual broccolini would be better!).

• I will now evangelize you to the ways of dark chocolate hummus. I will continue to pretend it is the healthiest of healthy snacks because the first ingredient is chickpeas and continue to ignore that the second ingredient is sugar. Mostly because I don’t care. It’s delicious.

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Fun Things

• Currently wearing a late summer/early fall pink and gray ombre mani of my own creation using AW, RP, MG, Wild & Free, and BI from Olive and June and the Gen Z barista told me she loved my nails this morning so #winning.

• This button-up shirt was an impulse buy earlier this summer which will go down as one of my favorite purchases of 2021.

• This tee. The color is more of a gray-washed lavender in person. Love the fit, love the rolled sleeves, love that I foresee wearing it under lots of cardigans come cooler temperatures.

Life Lately

Taking a page from Pantsuit Politics’ Instagram page, (who apparently take this practice from Emily P. Freeman, so I’m just another link in the chain at this point), to list the things I learned in June:

• If you have the option for your kid to be bussed to an activity instead of driving them, you should do it. Every time. It will be worth all the dollars.

• I can’t keep up with anything lately and feel like I’m failing at everything. There are too many small children around and also we’re coming out of a pandemic which I’m sure has something (read: almost everything) to do with it, but I don’t have time to unpack that now (see: I can’t keep up with anything). I feel like I’m behind in every area of my life and also things feel like they take between 2-5 times longer than I think they should. The kids should be nicer and the kitchen should be cleaner and I want to get back to doing yoga and I want new furniture for almost every room of my house and maybe the kids would be nicer if I set a better example instead of snapping at them. However, if my little corner of the internet has anything to say about it, apparently that’s how everyone is feeling lately. So maybe that’s just how life is, at least for right now. Solidarity.

• I think number one on this list might have a decent amount to do with number two on this list, since I have spent approximately all of June in my minivan. So. There’s that. Maybe I would have more time to do all the things if I weren’t driving around the entire Twin Cities every single day.

• Driving hours in the car by myself with a bunch of podcasts and good music (read: Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo) is my new favorite form of self-care.

• Grilling anything and throwing chips and a sliced melon on the table is a good enough meal when it’s one million degrees out. We can just pretend the kids ate a fair share of the fruit instead of gorging themselves on chips and processed white buns from a package. It’s fine.

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Action Item

The disaster in Surfside, Florida and the unprecedented heatwave in the Northwest are both on my mind this week. CNN has a great round-up of organizations to support, if you’re able, who are on the ground in the Miami area. Bustle has a list of organizations to support in the Pacific Northwest, as well as general links to organizations who are advocating for climate change solutions. We had our own unheard-of heatwave here in Minnesota in late May/early June, and unfortunately, these climate events are only going to continue. Less unprecedented, much, much more commonplace.

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Around the Internet

• This thread is an entire sermon in ten slides.

• Because I can always have to link to at least one Anne Helen Peterson piece, and this one is everything.

• “Families desperately need help. In other countries, they get it. In the United States, they get empty homilies about the importance of family.”

• An important read about female athletes, especially as we move forward into the Olympics.

• I feel this piece in a very deep way.

• Have you heard of FaceTune? This read was both fascinating and gag-inducing. “Cosmetic surgeons who spoke to HuffPost said they now regularly have patients come in with photos of themselves that have been so heavily Facetuned they would be anatomically impossible to replicate.”

• “A residency is typically designed to give the artist the space to create. In the art world that translates, almost always, to being alone, she explained. ‘It felt quite offensive that somehow you are more creative away from your family than with them,’ she said.”

• In case you haven't seen the “Dear Intern” thread yet. It will make you feel ten types of encouraged with the world.

• I’m in a (usually) happy marriage, but damn if I don’t wish I had someone to break up with so I could blast this perfect mash-up.

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Eating

• These harissa meatballs with whipped feta. Though—UNPOPULAR OPINION ALERT—I don’t actually care for the whipped feta. I make the meatballs and bell peppers, omit the zucchini, and serve it all with homemade pita chips, hummus, sliced cucumbers, and kalamata olives.

• These cheesesteaks but add more bell pepper, onion, mushrooms, and cheese, and buy prepackaged shaved steak from the store so it all comes together ridiculously fast. And deliciously.

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Fun Things

• Back in April, I told you to get a For Days Take Back Bag. Now I’m telling you to buy this relaxing romper because it looks like I put effort into getting dressed but feels like I’m wearing pajamas, which is my exact goal with every outfit.

• The tagline of this product is “the (cashmere) sweatpants of lipstick” and I co-sign that 100%. I’m always on the look for a product that glides on like a chapstick but deposits a little bit of color; something I can use whether I’m in the drop-off line or date night. Ultralip is that thing. I bought it in Lucite but will definitely be back for more.

• This tank. I’ve dressed it up with black shorts and all the way down with athletic shorts and a ponytail. The exaggerated shoulder/extra fabric under the armpit means you don’t have to worry about flashing your bra. It runs large—I tuck it all the way in or it’s a lot of fabric for me. Recommend sizing down if that’s an option for you.

• Okay, I’d seen this Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen going around my corners of the internet and finally tried it out. It’s not shiny or greasy but glides on smooth and matte as the perfect makeup primer. I’m a believer.

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Another thing I learned this month is that June doesn’t quite feel like summer yet. The kids spend the first two weeks wrapping up school. Caden had an activity that’s started at 8 am (!!!) the last few weeks. (See: if there’s a bus option it will be worth all your $$$.) Baseball has largely taken over our evenings. All of these activities have walked us right up to a point where we’ll be traveling for a few days at a time here and there, where it feels like I’m either packing for or unpacking from a trip. And, you might be saying, what do you mean it doesn’t feel like summer? Baseball! What’s more summer than that?

I know. And these things aren’t bad. I’m so glad we’re able to do them this year. And also: it doesn’t feel like summer to me until we’ve had a chance to lay low, sleep in, and do a whole lot of nothing around the house for days at a time.

Those days are coming. I just wrote up our July calendar and am admiring all the blank spots on the calendar. The same blank spots I will then probably curse around the second week of August. Because: balance!

Life Lately

May is a whole thing. School and school year activities start to wrap up. Summer activities and warm weather begin to creep in. We had dance and dress rehearsals and recitals and baseball practices and games and swim lessons and school and gymnastics. Tomorrow is Nolan’s last day of preschool.

May is survival.

I gave myself permission this month to do only what I needed to get us through. We had seven dance recitals in a span of three days, all with various combinations of kids and costumes and routines. We also had a baseball game crammed in the middle of all that for good measure. We literally haven’t had a weeknight this month without at least one kid activity, and at least half of those nights have been double or even triple-booked. I thought we had a free night this past Monday but then realized Nolan’s t-ball coach had called a practice. June 2nd now looks like the first night since April that’s wide open.

Phew.

Part of me loves this. I love mapping out a schedule. I love writing lists. I don’t even mind all the carpooling of children from point A to point B to point C. One of the biggest losses I felt last year was of the kids’ activities. My kids love activities. Glory be to sitting in a high school auditorium for dance recitals or on the sidelines of a t-ball game, yelling at the four and five-year-olds to remind them where first base is.

The other part of me finds it totally and completely draining. It’s draining to constantly be packing up costumes or uniforms and some semblance of dinner. It’s draining to pick up the kids from school and immediately hit the ground running: dinner at 4:30 because they need to be changed into whatever combo of costumes/uniforms and out the door by 5:15 in two separate cars.

So what I gave myself permission to do this month was to just be mom. I took a big step back from writing. I took a big step back from keeping on top of emails. (Did you know you can delete emails without reading them? I mean, not like important ones, but like random newsletters. It’s possible to actually push past the FOMO and hit the delete button. Magic.) I took a big step back from the feeling I have to produce, to create, to volunteer or work or push to prove my own worth.

In some ways, this felt like walking back 40 years of feminism. Let me be the most housewifey housewife to ever have housewifed. (Though not so much, actually. My hair was nowhere near as coiffed and we relied far too much on Lunchables as a viable dinner option.) In other ways, freeing myself up from the societal pressure to be productive all. the. time. felt like the most feminist thing I could do. It felt like the most radical thing I’d done in a long time.

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Action Item

I’m still working to understand the conflict in Israel and Palestine. The roots are deep, the conflict is decades (if not centuries) old, and the politics of this part of the world are so different from what I’m used to here. I found this episode of Pantsuit Politics and this one and this one of The Daily helpful, though I’ll still admit to often being deeply confused. I’d love any recommendations to help better my understanding of this topic!

Education is great, but it doesn’t help Israeli and Palestinian families in the here and now. The reports of the sheet number of people—the sheer number of children—killed and injured in the latest conflict are horrific. These are people, who by sheer accident of birth had the misfortune to be born into a part of the world embroiled in discord. I found this round-up of aid organizations from CNN helpful and encourage you to donate to one if you’re able.

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Around the Internet

• “What’s happened to America’s working mothers in the last year is not the old story about the tiny subset of women who have the financial choice to work for pay or not. Instead, it’s about what happens when any choices mothers once had disappear.”

• On the fraught-ness that is getting back to “normal.”

• “When millennial women shudder at the prospect of the return of the low-slung jean, we are not being old, or boring, or basic. It’s not about the fucking jeans AS JEANS, and I wish people could actually understand that.”

• Related to the above, this TikTok is a whole sermon in and of itself.

• I had no idea I was so close to celebrity until this past weekend when I found out my friend/neighbor’s brother runs this Instagram account. Little did I know the connection as I died laughing over gems like this.

• The answer to any question that involves the general phrase “do you need more Taylor Swift?” is always YES.

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Eating

• Make these lemon poppyseed muffins. Then eat them all and make them again three days later. Repeat indefinitely. (I don’t use the rose water but make a glaze with just the lemon juice and powdered sugar.)

• If I can give you another sweet thing to eat, it would be Chez Panisse’s blueberry cobbler, which I’m planning to make for Memorial Day. Top with vanilla ice cream. Die happy.

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Fun Things

• Long-live these Cat & Jack quick-dry shorts. The boys love them. They can double as a swimsuit if necessary. I wish they came in about 18 more colors.

• I love wearing slippers but even in the winter they often feel too hot. (How do people wear sherpa-lined slippers? Do my feet just run warm? Do sweaty feet not bother other people? So many questions.) Still, I’d worn my old pair of Mahabis slippers into the ground and asked for their “breathe” version for Mother’s Day. They’re lined with cork and made from a sort of woven mesh. My feet are no longer sweaty. #winning

• Summer and humidity go hand-in-hand here in the Midwest. This humidity shield helps tame my mane on the most humid of days. I don’t really get frizz—my hair is naturally almost strick-straight, with only the smallest amount of wave—but when it’s humid it gets poofy, loses any style I may have had, and adds waves where there shouldn’t be waves. It’s a whole situation. This spray doesn’t work as well on a day where I’m outside for hours at a time, but when I’m in and out of the house or grabbing dinner on a patio it works miracles.

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Beyond being a labor-intensive month, May is also an emotionally exhaustive month. I’m not much of a crier, but May gets me every time. The kids’ birthdays don’t get to me. The first day of school doesn’t get to me. (Because hallelujah they’re back in school!) But their dance recitals? The end of the school year? Nothing marks the passage of time so much for me as seeing their little dance photos all lined up in a row on our refrigerator or comparing the last day of school pictures with the first-day ones. I can’t even think about the fact that one day they will graduate from high school at this time of year. And Caden and Brooklyn will graduate at the same time. Like, who thought that was a good idea?

I spent the rest of my time this month, when I wasn’t labeling dance costumes or driving somewhere (everywhere), as an emotional wreck. And I lean into it hard. I will play every sad song. I can even turn the not-sad ones into something weepy. It’s like my tear ducts make up for malfunctioning the rest of the year all within this one month. 

And that’s the other thing I gave myself permission to do this month: to feel the feelings. To take what little time and space I had to be sad if I needed or read a book if I needed and to take what pauses I could in a month where there were few to take. I gave myself permission to do the things that needed to be done and then to take care of myself, instead of pushing ahead into more, more, more.

I read this from Rachel Cargle yesterday and it’s made me think that maybe…life could be like this all the time? I don’t know. The push to produce, to be productive, to be “on” is ingrained deep within in my bones. But I think it might be possible. It’s something I’m ruminating on.